obsessed

Conversations With Friends

Sent at 12:19 PM on Friday

me: you’re such a romantic
always romanticizing
i love it

friend:  i just want to have someone and know that we will be together forever
and never have to wonder about that
and i want someone to think of me as the love of their life

me:  you will have it

friend:  like that couple I told you about
their love is unconditional
they were so cute to be around
i was just like…damn, they really love each other
how often do you see love like that

me:  not often enough
there are so many fucking rules
i wish people WOULD just love each other

My Hunted Sunrise

Since I woke up so early yesterday, I couldn’t help but fall asleep early again last night, in part because I was listening to Electric Ladyland and it was so dreamy, and also because I just couldn’t stay awake. I didn’t mind at all perpetuating this early to bed early to rise, wake-sleep cycle, as I got to go on another adventure when I again woke up before 6am.

Since it was to be a clear morning I was determined to see the sunrise, so I figured I may as well head somewhere towards Twin Peaks and see what vistas I could find. After many winding roads and much confusion as to where I was going, I first ended up in some ambiguous place with absolutely no idea where I was and clearly no view. I didn’t bother exploring because I still had to be to work at 8:30 and the prospect of getting lost in the woods, though enticing, wasn’t an option. It smelled really wonderful though.Image

I continued in my car feeling slightly defeated because it was already 7:00am, and I was totally lost. In my disappointment in thinking I wouldn’t see the sunrise, I kept going to hopefully get even a flicker of it filtered through the many obstructions whilst driving. As I circled around neighborhoods I was unfamiliar with I finally came to a street that said “Skyview”, which sounded literal and promising enough to take my chances. This took me to “Cityview” which finally led me to “Midcrest”, and the fact that there was a sign at Midcrest letting me know there was no outlet, seemed all the more reason to go down it.

I was glad I did, because when I parked at the end I found a path and a sign telling me to stay on that path, the guidance of which I was thankful for at that point. I went up a small muddy hill and found a set of wooden stairs that led me to a guard rail, which I obviously hopped and crossed an empty, paved road leading to more wooden stairs that had been nested into the side of an even bigger hill. As I walked toward my uncertain destination I saw an orange glow start to fill up bits of the terrain and realized there was a very real sunrise about to happen just within my reach. I bolted up the enormous, stair-laden hill and found myself at the top, completely out of breath, just as the sun was peeking over the eastern view from what I realized was the South Summit of Twin Peaks.

I spent a good half an hour up there just slowly moving in circles to take in the view which put Downtown, Sutro Tower, and my hunted sunrise all within sight. I found myself smiling often simply because I couldn’t contain how good it felt. A man did come up with his shouldered bike at one point and it ruined my moment ever-so-slightly, but I came around to sharing it with him. ImageImage

Little Lovely Lonely Mornings

I woke up at 5:45am today for no particular reason. It’s strange how even when you get enough sleep, if you wake up too early, you still feel tired. Though despite the fuzz in my head, I’m not really the type to laze around, so I got ready for the day and headed up to Bernal Hill.

It rained last night, so I wasn’t quite sure if it’d be all that pretty of a morning, but in its blueness, it was a very beautiful morning. I listened to the same song on repeat convinced that it was the only song that made sense for that particular moment, and being up above the city, felt comfort in the fact that I was that much closer to the sky, which I am often scared of and confused by. The sun apparently was to come up at 7:12am today, and though I couldn’t see the sun, I knew he was there, and I kept thinking,

“You come out for me everyday, the least I can do is come out for you.”ImageImageImage

Songs

Writing music is like chasing a high. This obviously sounds cliche, but it is the best correlation I can think of. You crave it, you do it, it starts to feel good until you start to struggle, you can’t stop doing it despite that you’re struggling, and in the end you’re just goddamn tired — not entirely sure if you ever want to do it again, but knowing that you will anyway.

I have gone years where I almost never picked up a guitar or wrote a single lyric to a single song, and now that I am again, it is pretty astounding how quickly it becomes a very addictive undertaking. I can’t stop thinking about it and wanting to do it all the time and hating my day job because it takes time away from it. Thankfully, I think this is a much healthier addiction than other ones, assuming it doesn’t drive me mad. It may have already done this though, as I did the last of my recording in a closet yesterday to get away from the noise.

If you’d like to listen to what I did in this closet, you can hear it here: Tough

Be Friends

The world is so beautiful today. Oh wait, that’s everyday.

The world is so beautiful again today. forest

Dizzy

True to form, I have changed my mind on just about everything I was thinking and feeling since the New Year. To start, My New Years resolution for 2013 was to find good love–and I meant in a human being, but I take it back. Humans are too hard for now. My new New Years resolution (is it too late?) is to find good love in everything else; a minor change that I hope can be facilitated. A human can come later, hopefully when I am least expecting it so that I can be so dizzy in love that I think the world is stupid.

I also thought that I had a good grasp on consciousness and what it means to be conscious, but I watched a TED talk that threw me. Now I am not sure if what I’m looking at is ever really what my mind thinks it is and consequently if my thinking is at all helping me get to the “what does it all mean”, or if it even matters what it all means. All I know is I want to be a better person, but it’s kinda fucking hard when LIFE.

Ultimately, this is how I feel today:

One Big Boat

Ever since I heard someone say it years ago, I think all the time: it is impossible to see yourself how others see you.

I am overwhelmed in a warm way not only by the fact that we are so multifaceted, able to think about our surroundings and arrange our relationship to them accordingly, but also that to everyone who experiences you, you will be experienced differently. While obviously we are all curious at times to know how exactly people see us, I think the not-being-able-to-truly-know is a great feature of the limitations in cognition. If we knew what people saw in their mind’s eye when they see us walk by or laugh or talk or scratch our head or sing, whatever it is, we’d have no interest in discovering what or why someone loves us, or even why they hate us, and therefore perhaps less interested in self-discovery. The mystery leads to our having to learn the multiple selves that comprise us in these interactions and then pull them off the hanger appropriately in dealing with others. We become richer, deeper, and more interesting in having to decipher how to engage well with a variety of people.

I think I’m going to try and start being more conscious of the fact that when dealing with others, they are as much trying to figure themselves out as they are trying to figure out me, as I am at the same time trying to figure out myself in order to best deal with them. So much processing! Maybe in remembering that, we can all feel a little less self-conscious and a little more comfortable with the fact that despite our boundless differences, we are all trying to figure it out in the same, massive boat with each other.