What has changed

by Natalie Robin

Nothing. My life is considerably similar to when I started this blog. I guess I became a bit more unmotivated somewhere along the line because my entries started scattering themselves at more distant intervals. I am starting to feel guilty over it. I feel if I’m not fleshing out ideas, however useless they may be, I’m losing my spirit. I went back through all my old entries just now–squinting one eye at the more indulgent ones to spare myself the embarrassment of my own creations, though I try and tell myself I meant it at the time, and I should not be embarrassed by that. I guess it is interesting to see the collective themes behind my writing, which are mostly loneliness and love, and how I can somehow experience one in the other and each as one. I’m not really talking about love or loneliness in relationship to other people. I think it’s clear to most that I am much more attached to ideas than to people, but I think in a very metaphysical way I am attached to people as well. I am attached to and interested in the existence that lies just beyond the reach of us all; that we create without meaning to just by being alive together. It’s sort of a coating, or a film, or even a cocoon that we are all inside. I am not quite talking about God either. I haven’t drank enough wine yet tonight to believe in God.